Hay!

So this is a poem I wrote a few months ago, it's not really good, it rhymes and it also doesn't, it's not edited or fixed but that's why I'm sharing it. It's raw and well... Very to the point, nothing's left to interpretation, but It's exactly how I was feeling as I frantically wrote down just words on my phone. This relates to my last blog post so I figured I may as well share it. Fuck it, it's 2020 and everything is fucked anyways lol 😛

Bipolar.

Running until I'm dizzy,

The water stares at me

Taking life seems easy,

While it's so heavy.

Pulse hurts my head

While wishing I was dead,

I can't seem to see,

Trapped but I can't flee,

chemicals sweat out

Causing my doubt.

My brain a ticking time bomb,

Clearly somethings wrong,

The bleakest beach 

Dark monsters at my reach,

My voice is drowned

No waves or sound.

Dark skies, no rain,

I can't seem to ease this pain,

Empitiness with no cause

Head rush, life paused,

Harsh stones against soft sand

Rough skin on bloody hands

Splinter's on my heart,

Pills push us further apart,

Maybe it's for the best,

Leave my head to rest

Can't live with this disease,

Help put my mind at ease.

No memory of what was,

I can't remember the cause,

Steal away my dreams

That wake me to the screams,

Kiss my cheek softly,

Rock me back to sleep,

Maybe tomorrow will be better,

And my life I'll get to keep?

My depression and what it does to me...

Hi.

So this is a touchy subject for me and well, I've been on Twitter talking about it a tad bit more openly but I'm about to just spill the beans altogether today.

I've been 💯 completely and utterly ashamed of myself for this and so embarrassed, but I wanted to kill myself in October 2019.

These suicidal thoughts went on for some weeks and I had to leave my job because of it. I'd have a soothing bath with soft music and I would think of ways to do it rather than relaxing, so sitting didn't help, so I'd go to the gym to escape the feeling, to just look across the way at the river while on the treadmill and think about how easy it would be. Infact, that's the actual day I got so scared that I finally told my partner how bad my depression was after getting.

I hadn't felt that way since I was 18. I stopped thinking of taking my life that long ago due to making changes in every aspect of my life, like moving county, lifestyle changes etc.

To say I was scared is an understatement, but being scared is good, it proved to me that infact I didn't actually want to die. My depression was just getting bad and it could be fixed. I was having major panic attacks and calling in to work allot for sick days so eventually I had to quit because I was going to be fired regardless. So I left, I went to my doctor and he then sent off an emergency letter to get me seen to by a psychologist straight away.

Talking to my partner was hard because at the time I wasn't the nicest person to be around and because he's the closest person to me I treated him horrible and wrongly. I was always moody and sad and bitter. But when I started talking to a stranger, it helped me to relay my feelings to my partner in a more accurate way than just vomiting inconsistent sentence's at him and then getting angry because he didn't get it.

I've been out of work for 9 months now and I have felt much better in myself, I got to know myself a little bit more again, I learned new things about myself and I have made a conscious decision to better myself and my life hence forth.

Until yesterday, I had the lowest day since last year. Yesterday, I was so low that I was uncertain about who my friends were, about the career choice I have made recently and about who I am. I cried like a fricking baby in a ball on my couch for over an hour or two. Then proceeded to cry on and off well into past midnight last night. It took speaking to my partner, my sister and a friend of mine to see that I'm okay, I'm not insane and tomorrow will be a better day. And it is! I'm still a bit emotional today, but I'll take a bit emotional over yesterdays emotional 😛 I feel clearer and a bit more myself.

The reason for this post is not to shed light on depression because we all know about it already and its not for pitty. I just decided to speak because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of being a person with depression and a person who has had to deal with suicidal tendencies that I couldn't speak up about it without hating myself more when in reality, it's normal. I didn't ask for this. I got diagnosed with very low seratonin levels and thats not my fault. I have low and high days, I have anxious and fantastic days, it's just who i am and instead of being a crying panicky mess, I should be grateful that help is being offered by professional's when right now there's way more important horrible stuff happening in the world and I'm sitting here crying because my feelings are hurt.

Mental health is extremely important, but we can help ourselves by seeking help. Not everybody will want to help you which I have learned quickly. But there are people out there who care, you just need to reach out to the right person. But the people who don't wanna help may be going through they're own shit, so I've no hard feelings towards those who didn't help me when I reached out yesterday.

I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend and I don't usually do this because of my anxiety lol, but if there's anyone going through what I'm going through, you can message me on Twitter. @charquinzel ❤️

Bye for now.

Bisexuality and being different.

Okay . . .

So this is no real news to SOME people in my life, including my very considerate understanding partner Anthony. But my family and most of my friends don't know.

I have always suffered on and off with depression and anxiety and unfortunately I hate to admit this but identity issues too. I haven't always been myself around the people I care about due to what they might think if I tell them who I really am and that's in ALL aspects of my life.

I'm a woman who grew up in tallaght Dublin and that place was a dump, if you made it out alive then great and I did but if your from tallaght your made to feel ashamed of yourself for coming from such a shithole, but as imperfect as it was, a small part of me adored tallaght, it was my home, i learned so much from living there, I met my partner there and it shaped me to be the person I am today, someone who hates hate and doesn't bother other people, I stick to myself and let people live, I care about animal's, the people in my life and the world we live in.

But anyway, on to the rant. (Yeah, that's not it). :P

I was a goth and got badly bullied so I stopped dressing like a goth. I was a hippy but hid being a hippy because I got bullied. I have been vegetarian most of my life, now pescatarian , but got it thrown in my face like it's a terrible thing, so I don't mention it anymore. I live in Clare now, not dublin and I get called pig, foreigner, jackeen. So I don't go out and socialize much anymore.

And last but not least, I'm bisexual and I don't talk about it, I don't join communities, I don't share flags, I don't go to pride and I don't even think about telling my family or my partners family.. and why, because my whole life has been ruled by whatever everyone else around me thinks of me, I care too much about what the stranger passing me on the street says when I'm a goth, too much about what people I love think if I say, hay, I look at women even though I'm marrying a man, I let co-workers bully me or belittle me because I don't want them to hate me MORE than they already do by standing up for myself, or I stay silent to get by so the situation just stays at a level I can handle.

When I meet new people, I either stay introverted and wait for them to approach me, or I will engage in conversation but not let them know me, when I'm with friends I tend to talk about them or other things more so I don't have to focus on myself even though inside I'm screaming at myself to open up more and let people know who I am, what I feel and who I want to be, when I look in the mirror I lie to myself everyday telling myself that this fake persona is okay, I get by...

I can't do it anymore. I'm turning 32 this year and I dress like everyone, I look like everyone and I speak like everyone. But it's all fake.

• So... I'm char, I'm bisexual, I'm engaged to a man who loves me for me, I'm obsessed with coffee and books, I write poetry, I'm a big gamer, I'm a punk goth at heart and I love spooky things and witches, in fact I wanted to be a witch growing up, I love tarot, astrology and spell books, i don't fucking like meat, so fucking what!, bring on the rabbit food, judge all ya want and I hate fucking bullies and I will be standing up to them from now on. Racists, homophobes, prejudice and all the other nasties in the world can go to hell.

And yeah, I'm nervous writing this but to be honest, I'm more than likely speaking to myself anyways. I needed this regardless.

If anyone is reading. Thanks

And bye for now.

Be proud of who you are and stick with the people who accept you and love you and make you happy!

Old Black and Whites :)

Howdy!

Y'know that partner I've mentioned a gazillion times... No? Well your in luck, here he is as a little gothic, graveyard walking teenager back in the day when we acted like we were on photo shoots for Album covers.

I have many more like these because he was my muse and inspiration, still is. I just wanted to share these because he's beautiful and I love black and white.

I hope you like the photos, I was a little 17 year old thinking I was the bee's knees being a "photographer" 😂 But I do adore these photos, they may be some of my best, definitely my best portrait photographs. 

Model: @antoluke616
You can find his fantastic art over there, so make sure to check him out :)

Bye for now! :)

The ballad of songbirds and snakes review

So! Hi!

**Very minor spoilers ahead**

This book has been one of my most anticipated reads of 2020 so when May 19th came along and my copy of the ballad of songbirds and snakes was downloaded onto my kindle, it's pretty safe to say I was excited, giddy even. 

Were following a younger (18 year old)  President snow before his rise to glory in the capitol. And in this book he's known as Coriolanus, which was so hard to say but I think I finally have it down lol. 

Because Snow is the protagonist in this book, I went in knowing I was NOT going to find him even remotely likable... Which he truly wasn't, but I didn't anticipate just how much of a sociopath he actually is. 

We follow his journey as he becomes mentor during the 10th hunger games and this is the first time mentors have been introduced. He's also trying to cover up that the snow family are actually poor and he stresses to keep up the family name throughout the book. 

When tributes are assigned to each mentor, snow gets left with district 12's one and only Lucy Gray, Lucy is one of my favourite characters in this book, she's fun, outgoing, mysterious and just the complete opposite to Katniss. She steals the hearts of the capitol with her beautiful singing voice and her sad lyrical songs, but she is weak among the rest of the district tributes which causes Coriolanus to panic as he needs her to win in order to win the big prize which is to get a full year paid into the academy. 

I won't go into much detail because of major spoilers, but from here on you really get a taste of just how nasty Snow is, were following his thoughts and how he sees and treats others and it's sickening. 

I won't lie, there are chapters and moments in the book where it just gets boring, like most of the chapters about the hunger games themselves lost my attention a few times, but it's interesting enough to keep reading and it picks up with some surprises and twisty turns that I didn't really see coming.

I want to mention another favourite character of mine, Sejanus, he's such a sweet and pure soul, I actually loved reading about him and learning about his life and is role in the book. He's an interesting character who sees Coriolanus as a best friend and brother. I won't say much about him because I don't want to take away from your experience, but I love him! Sejanus, Lucy Gray and Maude were a delight to read about. 

Anyways, by the end of the book, I felt like I wanted to jump into the pages and punch Coriolanus right in the face, he drove me mental, he's so evil. The book is just as brutal and gut wrenching as the hunger games trilogy, maybe not as impactful, but definitely powerful and left me sad and angry at the same time. 

That's all for now. I hope you enjoyed the book, if you haven't read it yet, have a great time! :)

Bye for now And may the odds be ever in your favour.

Panemathon

Hay people's!

So if you haven't already heard by now, there is going to be a really cool read-a-thon starting on June 1st set up by a couple of YouTubers who I will tag below. It's in the style of The Hunger Games and it's called Panemathon! 

You volunteer tribute to whatever district you want (I'm district 11 for Rue 💕). Each district has its own prompt, but you can overlap any of these as you see fit. I'm personally doing the district 6 and 11 prompt's while most people seem to be reading 12 books for each district. I know in myself I won't be able to read that much lol. 

So here are some books that I am hoping to read and re-read for panemathon and if I manage them all, I will read some more.

My most anticipated reads from these picks are "The maze runner" and "Archibald Lox". I have read the hunger games before but in honour of panemathon and the new release of "The ballad of songbirds and snakes" I will be re-reading them.

Speaking of The ballad of songbirds and snakes, I will have a review up soon. 

Well I hope your having a safe and happy time in quarantine, if your a book lover like myself and the people of panemathon, feel free to sign up as tribute and read along with us!

Have a nice weekend! :)

You can reach the guys and gals behind panemathon here on twitter!

@panemathon 

And 

@itssophiesnow (district 11).

walkies in Ennis Clare

As much as I miss my home (Dublin) Ennis can be such a pretty place to take a stroll when the weather is good and it's quiet out. These were taken by ballyallia Lake and down in a little park by the area that I live. 

I'm such a sucker for clouds, water and waterfalls, they make me feel so much calmer and at home no matter where I am and always manages to cheer me up on a bad day. 

I hope everyone is staying safe and happy during quarantine. These are old pictures but I hope to take a walk to this area again after lockdown.

Bye for now! :) 

Snow in Ennis

Some snowy pictures from our first snow in Ennis Clare about two years ago. We had the best time building snowmen and snow women 🙂

Lanzorote Spain

The beautiful paradise Lanzarote.

I would go back in a heartbeat! This was my first family holiday which was taken with my 3 sisters, my partner and his brother and my niece, nephew and cousin.

Myself and Anthony arrived early in the morning before everyone else because of flight availability and oh my god, was it heaven! We literally went straight to the beach after checking in to our apartment and started swimming in the gorgeous open ocean that had amazing mountain views and sun that we never get to see here in Ireland.

We had never swam in the ocean before because here, its too cold and we tend to get allot of jellyfish, we had the best day just splashing about and messing together in the water.

We'll all be going to Turkey this year together so expect more photos 🙂

Meet Rome and florence!

Myself and Anthony have been to Rome twice now, once by ourselves and once with my mother in law. Here are some photo's of both occasions.

 

I couldn't explain the feeling I got when in Rome if someone paid me, its one of those "You'd have to be there things" but what I can say is that I have never experienced a city like it in my life, its so vastly majestic and rich in history and culture that when I first arrived I was a bit overwhelmed. And my partner being an artist acted like he had died and went to heaven, he couldn't believe the grounds in which he was walking.

 

The first time around we got to visit the Vatican amongst the colosseum etc, Let me tell ya, You have not lived until you walk the halls of the Vatican and then arrive in the Sistine Chapel, the paintings take over you and almost bring you to tears, its nothing like looking in a school book! Any artists out there that haven't been, save save save! Its breathtaking!

 

The best part of our trip was the day we went roaming around the city and walked for absolutely hours visiting museums, eating gelato and dipping our feet into a beautiful lake to cool them down. We took a horse and carriage ride while kissing and holding hands, we watched the sun go down and by late evening my partner told me to pick the place to eat, so I picked the tackiest awesome place I could find called the trevi. It had birds and fish tanks and so many cool things hanging from the ceiling, it was so cool! I had pizza while Anthony had lasagne. Afterwards we walked to my favourite spot in rome, the Trevi fountain. The trevi is the most magical fountain I have ever seen and in His nerve wrecked voice Anthony sat me down in a cosy pretty spot and he proposed! :) I said "Of course!!"

 

Best experience ever!...Like Ever!!

 

Italy is honestly like a little home away from home, I hope someday we both get to experience the whole country, Pompeii and Milan are definitely on our list! If you have been to anywhere in Italy, where was it and how was your time there?

 

• 
  

Smiley

Hello Everybody!

 

So Y'all already know the beautiful Luna, known as smiley by myself and my partner.

We had a long distance relationship for 2 years at the beginning of our partnership which was obviously hard at the time but it did come with its own beauty in a small way. And that's where Smiley comes in. Both myself and my partner were and are obsessed with the moon.

 Not being able to see each other very often, the one thing we did have every night was looking out at the same moon which made us feel less alone and more connected and yeah, you guessed it, it made us smile lol. So my partner named her smiley.

I'm still to this day obsessed with staring up at the sky. Here's a little photo of Smiley outside my bedroom window. This is the best I can get until I can get a better camera :)