So this is no real news to SOME people in my life, including my very considerate understanding partner Anthony. But my family and most of my friends don't know.
I have always suffered on and off with depression and anxiety and unfortunately I hate to admit this but identity issues too. I haven't always been myself around the people I care about due to what they might think if I tell them who I really am and that's in ALL aspects of my life.
I'm a woman who grew up in tallaght Dublin and that place was a dump, if you made it out alive then great and I did but if your from tallaght your made to feel ashamed of yourself for coming from such a shithole, but as imperfect as it was, a small part of me adored tallaght, it was my home, i learned so much from living there, I met my partner there and it shaped me to be the person I am today, someone who hates hate and doesn't bother other people, I stick to myself and let people live, I care about animal's, the people in my life and the world we live in.
But anyway, on to the rant. (Yeah, that's not it). :P
I was a goth and got badly bullied so I stopped dressing like a goth. I was a hippy but hid being a hippy because I got bullied. I have been vegetarian most of my life, now pescatarian , but got it thrown in my face like it's a terrible thing, so I don't mention it anymore. I live in Clare now, not dublin and I get called pig, foreigner, jackeen. So I don't go out and socialize much anymore.
And last but not least, I'm bisexual and I don't talk about it, I don't join communities, I don't share flags, I don't go to pride and I don't even think about telling my family or my partners family.. and why, because my whole life has been ruled by whatever everyone else around me thinks of me, I care too much about what the stranger passing me on the street says when I'm a goth, too much about what people I love think if I say, hay, I look at women even though I'm marrying a man, I let co-workers bully me or belittle me because I don't want them to hate me MORE than they already do by standing up for myself, or I stay silent to get by so the situation just stays at a level I can handle.
When I meet new people, I either stay introverted and wait for them to approach me, or I will engage in conversation but not let them know me, when I'm with friends I tend to talk about them or other things more so I don't have to focus on myself even though inside I'm screaming at myself to open up more and let people know who I am, what I feel and who I want to be, when I look in the mirror I lie to myself everyday telling myself that this fake persona is okay, I get by...
I can't do it anymore. I'm turning 32 this year and I dress like everyone, I look like everyone and I speak like everyone. But it's all fake.
- So... I'm char, I'm bisexual, I'm engaged to a man who loves me for me, I'm obsessed with coffee and books, I write poetry, I'm a big gamer, I'm a punk goth at heart and I love spooky things and witches, in fact I wanted to be a witch growing up, I love tarot, astrology and spell books, i don't fucking like meat, so fucking what!, bring on the rabbit food, judge all ya want and I hate fucking bullies and I will be standing up to them from now on. Racists, homophobes, prejudice and all the other nasties in the world can go to hell.
And yeah, I'm nervous writing this but to be honest, I'm more than likely speaking to myself anyways. I needed this regardless.
If anyone is reading. Thanks
And bye for now.
