Hi.
So this is a touchy subject for me and well, I've been on Twitter talking about it a tad bit more openly but I'm about to just spill the beans altogether today.
I've been 💯 completely and utterly ashamed of myself for this and so embarrassed, but I wanted to kill myself in October 2019.
These suicidal thoughts went on for some weeks and I had to leave my job because of it. I'd have a soothing bath with soft music and I would think of ways to do it rather than relaxing, so sitting didn't help, so I'd go to the gym to escape the feeling, to just look across the way at the river while on the treadmill and think about how easy it would be. Infact, that's the actual day I got so scared that I finally told my partner how bad my depression was after getting.
I hadn't felt that way since I was 18. I stopped thinking of taking my life that long ago due to making changes in every aspect of my life, like moving county, lifestyle changes etc.
To say I was scared is an understatement, but being scared is good, it proved to me that infact I didn't actually want to die. My depression was just getting bad and it could be fixed. I was having major panic attacks and calling in to work allot for sick days so eventually I had to quit because I was going to be fired regardless. So I left, I went to my doctor and he then sent off an emergency letter to get me seen to by a psychologist straight away.
Talking to my partner was hard because at the time I wasn't the nicest person to be around and because he's the closest person to me I treated him horrible and wrongly. I was always moody and sad and bitter. But when I started talking to a stranger, it helped me to relay my feelings to my partner in a more accurate way than just vomiting inconsistent sentence's at him and then getting angry because he didn't get it.
I've been out of work for 9 months now and I have felt much better in myself, I got to know myself a little bit more again, I learned new things about myself and I have made a conscious decision to better myself and my life hence forth.
Until yesterday, I had the lowest day since last year. Yesterday, I was so low that I was uncertain about who my friends were, about the career choice I have made recently and about who I am. I cried like a fricking baby in a ball on my couch for over an hour or two. Then proceeded to cry on and off well into past midnight last night. It took speaking to my partner, my sister and a friend of mine to see that I'm okay, I'm not insane and tomorrow will be a better day. And it is! I'm still a bit emotional today, but I'll take a bit emotional over yesterdays emotional 😛 I feel clearer and a bit more myself.
The reason for this post is not to shed light on depression because we all know about it already and its not for pitty. I just decided to speak because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of being a person with depression and a person who has had to deal with suicidal tendencies that I couldn't speak up about it without hating myself more when in reality, it's normal. I didn't ask for this. I got diagnosed with very low seratonin levels and thats not my fault. I have low and high days, I have anxious and fantastic days, it's just who i am and instead of being a crying panicky mess, I should be grateful that help is being offered by professional's when right now there's way more important horrible stuff happening in the world and I'm sitting here crying because my feelings are hurt.
Mental health is extremely important, but we can help ourselves by seeking help. Not everybody will want to help you which I have learned quickly. But there are people out there who care, you just need to reach out to the right person. But the people who don't wanna help may be going through they're own shit, so I've no hard feelings towards those who didn't help me when I reached out yesterday.
I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend and I don't usually do this because of my anxiety lol, but if there's anyone going through what I'm going through, you can message me on Twitter. @charquinzel ❤️
Bye for now.
